Dear R&B, pop and hip-hop "artists":

Is it so hard to come up with your own music that you have to steal beats, samples and sometimes whole pieces of another artist's songs and throw in a bunch of crappy copypasta lyrics that have nothing to do with the original song? Is it some kind of mission of yours to destroy music and turn it into the same generic garbage that high school crowds and denizens of the inner city enjoy so much? Do you even have any concept of artistic integrity and/or musical composition, or are you just trying to make a profit through expending the least amount of energy? On second thought, don't answer that question. I already know the answer.

I heard Imogen Heap's Hide and Seek on the radio today, or should I say, I heard a blatant ripoff of Imogen Heap's Hide and Seek. A formerly beautiful, poetic and emotional song utterly ruined by some whiny shrimp howling out mutilated rendition of the exact same lyrics (with liberal application and abuse of the word "love" to turn a bittersweet piece of musical art into complete SHIT).

You so-called musicians couldn't write an original lyric without a team of specialists, and your singing sucks so much that you have to apply an auto-tune pitch correction effect to cover up your disparaging lack of vocal talent. I hate you all and hope every last one of you gets crabs.

daggers and poison,
Bender


Additional thoughts: Why these "artists" aren't being sued for defamation is a bleeding miracle. I fail to comprehend how these ripoffs can generate any kind of income. (Answer: because people, especially the sheeptastically stupid ones, will buy anything.) I guess they're popular among the ignorant and uncultured (i.e., the conformist-tweeny pop crowd) who have never heard the original songs and will never listen to anything that MTV doesn't tell them to listen to.

So far the victims I've heard include I'm Yours by Jason Mraz and Daft Punk's Harder Better Faster Stronger. Even O-zone's Dragostea din Tei, aka the Numa Numa Song, isn't safe from sample-pasting. There are about a dozen others that I have willfully purged from my memory, but if you would like to amend this list, please do.

Some fan I am, missing the season premiere of Metalocalypse. Why do they have to air the show so damn late on a school night, and why didn't they put the episode on AdultSwim.com? Come on all you snarky AS pricks, get with the program and give me my metal.

Scratched off #12. I have a feeling I'll be scratching more very soon.

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Coincidences

• (Over the intercom) "Will Dr Bender please report to the [sic]..."-Dethdoubles
• "I'll give you a HJ for $20! [sic]" -Cleanzo
• "They can't kill me, I'm pregnant with parasites!" -Dethlove ch.4/Dethcarraldo (This may be a stretch: Nathan Explosion either had a parasite living in his body or was a couple months pregnant…well. That’s sort of the same thing, but at least people would feel sorry for you if you had worms.)
• (Nathan to Toki) "GET ON MY BACK." -Dethlove ch. 5/Black Fire Upon Us
• On May 24, 2007 I published In Other Words, in which Toki's credit card made a reference to the band Arcturus. On November 4, 2007, the Dethdoubles episode aired, featuring one or more of the band members from Arcturus.
• On February 11, 2007 I posted an incomplete sketch of Nathan as an alligator man. When Dethcarraldo aired on June 1, 2008 Nathan was depicted as being a crocodilian. (Anyone could have foreseen this. Nathan = Floridian = gators, amirite?)
• Do these guys look familiar? (Dethwedding April 1, 2008)
• And now for the most amazing coincidence of all...Toki falls down the stairs. Exactly as I drew him almost two years prior. Open these in separate windows and do the flipbook comparison. It's creepy.
   

I'm probably just reading too much into it.

Admittedly my heyday was the 90s, with grungy torn jeans and sleeveless flannel shirts, but there are a few retro things I'm really hurting for. Like...

my Reebok hightops. They were the only brand name shoes my parents would buy me and I fucking hated them. Same damned pair every two years, always black. Now I'm actually considering getting them again. Not for the looks or the comfort, but for the nostalgia.

And...

my dad's 1984 Panasonic boombox. This thing was an aluminum monster, and it actually was a box, unlike today's crappy rounded-plastic mutations. This stereo had edges that could take your eyes out, was entirely silver-finished aluminum, and I regret losing track of that thing almost as much as giving my old 1994 Sony boombox to charity. WHAT WAS I THINKING. My fondest memory of the Panasonic was burning holes through the tape on Dire Straits' Money For Nothing (I Want My MTV) and playing air guitar along with the intro.

Also...

my fucking Super Nintendo and my brother's Atari. GOD why was I so quick to give those up? Mario Bros/Duck Hunt and GI Joe for Nintendo, Sea Hunt and Asteroids for Atari. My personal favorites. After I get done with this post I'm going to go look for Atari MIDIs, because I'm cuckoo in my Cocoa Puffs.

Do you have any fond memories of retro junk? Compare and contrast your favorite old crap with today's modern incarnations. How do your gizmos and gadgets add up to their newer models? Explain the reasons for your answer.

The List Of Why Some Girls Will Never Get Laid

I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book.
Because you have social anxiety disorder, low self-esteem, no hobbies outside of your own little self-centered world, and you are incapable of making friends like normal kids.

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Everything seems to be going amazingly shitty lately. I'm having trouble housebreaking my dog, I've got textbooks shipped late and delaying my participation in two classes, and I even had to drop a class because I had no fucking clue when the goddamn thing started. One of those "last 10 weeks" of the semester things. (Did I mention I'm enrolled at two colleges this semester? It's a buttfucking nightmare.) I'm livid and just fed up tired right now.

If anyone has a joke or a funny comment/video to share, share away. I could use a good laugh right now.

So, I've been checking the symptoms of the illness I had last weekend, and I'm beginning to suspect it was H1N1. If it was, it was like the best flu I've ever had. I've never recovered so fast, and even though it was agony and teeth-gnashing pain for a while, it was tolerable. I can deal with pain, but not long, drawn-out respiratory infections like basic influenza. This felt like the flu, yet it was a lot different. Awesome.

Seems like every other profile on FF.net has one of those "you know you live in 2008 when..." followed by a list of some of the brainless reflexes people now have thanks to technology doing all their thinking for them. Below is Bender v. The List.

You know you're a fucking idiot when...
1) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

You know you're brain has begun to atrophy when...
2) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV. And you don't know how to use "you're" in a sentence, jackass.

You know you're a basement-dwelling Microsoft cumstain when...
3) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years.

You know you're a socially-inept piece of shit when...
4) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have MSN or Myspace.

You know you're a worthless anime-inspired art major when...
5) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job. (Because your boss is too busy making sure you don't burn the fries again.)

You know you're an easily entertained peon with a brain like a BB when...
7) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

You know you have no life outside of writing fanfiction and masturbating to Naruto when...
8) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

You know you're about as observant as Helen Keller in a silent movie theater when...
9) You were too busy stupid to notice there was no number 6.

You know you love seeing yourself for the witless wonder you are when...
10) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 6.

You know you are fucked up beyond all non-euthanisable hope when...
11) You're laughing at your stupidity.

You know you're a trendless meme whore when...
12) You're thinking, "I have to put this on my profile!"

You know you're publicly admitting that you were stupid enough to think this list was witty when it really just pwned your last remaining braincell and beat it to death with mediocrity when you...
13) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.

Well you can burn 'em, you can beat 'em
You can cut 'em up and eat 'em, killin' ants (ants ants, ants)
You can drown 'em in a jar, you can hit 'em with your car, killin' ants (ants ants, ants)
It's the latest sensation that's sweeping the nation, killing ants (ants ants, ants)

Let's go kill some ants
Let's go kill some ants
Let's go kill some ants (oh baby)
Let's go kill some ants
Come on, let's go kill some ants!

Yeah, I'm feeling better.

I've got tonsillitis again, which explains why I've been feeling so crappy all week. I've already been down this road once before in March 2008 when I got thrush, pinkeye and crotch rot all within a month or something sick like that. Only this time I've got all the good stuff that goes with tonsillitis, like the earache and the headache and the fever and the dizziness, and I accidentally dehydrated myself yesterday so that really made me feel awesome, plus my red blood cell count has been so low that my lips are turning white, even with my iron supplements. I give it a week before I'm back to normal. At least it's not Hiney flu.