The Halo Bender

Call J.G. Wentworth

2009-11-09T22:24:29Z

Some fan I am, missing the season premiere of Metalocalypse. Why do they have to air the show so damn late on a school night, and why didn't they put the episode on AdultSwim.com? Come on all you snarky AS pricks, get with the program and give me my metal.

Predictions & coincidences

2009-11-06T07:12:27Z

Scratched off #12. I have a feeling I'll be scratching more very soon.

November 6, 2009 Amendments

34. Dethklok will release a Christmas album with parodies of Christmas songs. Just like in "Holy Night".
35. Going along with the elemental concert themes (water with "Go Into the Water", fire with "Volcano", air and earth toward the end of season 2, etc., Dethklok will do a light-themed show, maybe with lightning. Maybe "Bloodtrocuted" already counts as this.

September 11, 2008 Amendments

33. Toki goes into therapy, gets heavily medicated, and becomes a different person. Will return to his old self eventually.

November 12, 2007 Amendments

32. Boy band.

November 9, 2007 Amendments

31. Skwisgaar will take up a hobby after he either a) outfucks himself on girls or b) outplays himself on guitar.

October 31, 2007 Amendments

~~30. The band will make a grand concert entrance from a source of fire. Like a volcano.~~ Dethdoubles. NAILED IT.

October 30, 2007 Amendments

~~29. Dietklok. The band tries to get in shape.~~ Dethfashion NAILED IT.

September 30, 2007 Amendments

28. Somebody in the band will be kidnapped and held hostage by raving psycho fans.

September 28, 2007 Amendments

23. The band will discover a magic [tritone] chord that does something fantastic and/or destructive.
24. The origin of Toki's teddy bear will be revealed.
25. Episode of Insanity. Schizophrenicklok. Nothing will make sense from beginning to end. It'll be The Shining meets Clockwork Orange meets Yellow Submarine meets 300. Don't miss it.
26. We will find out one (or all) band members' ages.
27. We'll see one of the band (excluding Murderface) in shorts.

September 21, 2007

1. Skwisgaar's belt buckle will kill somebody and/or come to life.
2. We find out somebody in the band wears contacts.
3. The band will be seen in drag. Not the pretty drag either.
4. Nathan will plant a tomahawk in somebody's skull for calling him Tonto.
5. Nuclear explosion.
6. The return of Nathan's pink shirt.
~~7. Skwisgaar and/or Toki will speak in their native tongue.~~ Dethdad
~~8. Pickles will have a doppelganger (i.e., evil stunt double).~~ Dethdoubles. The whole band has stunt doubles.
9. The Scandinavians will get tutors after their mangled English causes a big fuck up.
10. Knubbler will save the day.
~~11. Mordhaus will be destroyed.~~ Back Fire Upon Us pt.2 NAILED IT.
~~12. Mordhaus will be rebuilt.~~ Renovationklok (to be aired) NAILED IT.
13. Battle of the bands.
~~14. Potential new member of the band arises when one Dethkloker goes down, but new guy gets killed off.~~ Dethsources If you count Ofdensen as being a member/integral part of the band.
15. Skwisgaar will go on a quest to find his father.
~~16. Someone will say "vagina".~~ Dethfashion, the word "penis" was thrown around. The vagina is not far behind.
~~17. Skwisgaar will do something incredibly noble, selfless and not-metal.~~ Back Fire Upon Us pt.2 Skwiss saved Pickles by killing people with his guitar. Using a guitar as a weapon is a little bit similar to the scene from Dethlove's epilogue in which Skwisgaar breaks a Steinberger over Nathan's shoulders.
~~18. Murderface will have a dream.~~ Dethlessons Skwisgaar had a dream. And it was scary as hell.
~~19. Toki will become the fastest guitarist alive through an accident, but will revert to 2nd best by the end of the show. (i.e., hit on the head, broken fingers, etc.)~~ Dethlessons Underestimated Toki's mind-boggling stupidity and ineptness. Subject might reappear later.
~~20. Dethboat. Most brutal cruise ever. Entire crew perishes in an ocean of blood, dies of dysentery, or are eaten by sharks/mermaids/etc.~~ Would Dethcarraldo's Amazon River boat cruise count? The entire crew did perish pulling the ship up a goddamn mountain...I'm going to say yes.
~~21. A reference to Sausage Festival (LJ) and/or slash will be made.~~ Back Fire Upon Us pt.2 Since it was the gayest episode ever made.
22. The demons from the Religionklok episode will reappear.

It looks like there will be a Christmas episode as well. I'm holding my crotch until then.

Coincidences

(Over the intercom) "Will Dr Bender please report to the [sic]..."-Dethdoubles
"I'll give you a HJ for $20! [sic]" -Cleanzo
"They can't kill me, I'm pregnant with parasites!" -Dethlove ch.4/Dethcarraldo (This may be a stretch: Nathan Explosion either had a parasite living in his body or was a couple months pregnant…well. That’s sort of the same thing, but at least people would feel sorry for you if you had worms.)
(Nathan to Toki) "GET ON MY BACK." -Dethlove ch. 5/Black Fire Upon Us
On May 24, 2007 I published In Other Words, in which Toki's credit card made a reference to the band Arcturus. On November 4, 2007, the Dethdoubles episode aired, featuring one or more of the band members from Arcturus.
On February 11, 2007 I posted an incomplete sketch of Nathan as an alligator man. When Dethcarraldo aired on June 1, 2008 Nathan was depicted as being a crocodilian. (Anyone could have foreseen this. Nathan = Floridian = gators, amirite?)
Do these guys look familiar? (Dethwedding April 1, 2008)
And now for the most amazing coincidence of all...Toki falls down the stairs. Exactly as I drew him almost two years prior. Open these in separate windows and do the flipbook comparison. It's creepy.

I'm probably just reading too much into it.

This counts as a grade.

2009-10-31T00:57:07Z

Admittedly my heyday was the 90s, with grungy torn jeans and sleeveless flannel shirts, but there are a few retro things I'm really hurting for. Like...

my Reebok hightops. They were the only brand name shoes my parents would buy me and I fucking hated them. Same damned pair every two years, always black. Now I'm actually considering getting them again. Not for the looks or the comfort, but for the nostalgia.

And...

my dad's 1984 Panasonic boombox. This thing was an aluminum monster, and it actually was a box, unlike today's crappy rounded-plastic mutations. This stereo had edges that could take your eyes out, was entirely silver-finished aluminum, and I regret losing track of that thing almost as much as giving my old 1994 Sony boombox to charity. WHAT WAS I THINKING. My fondest memory of the Panasonic was burning holes through the tape on Dire Straits' Money For Nothing (I Want My MTV) and playing air guitar along with the intro.

Also...

my fucking Super Nintendo and my brother's Atari. GOD why was I so quick to give those up? Mario Bros/Duck Hunt and GI Joe for Nintendo, Sea Hunt and Asteroids for Atari. My personal favorites. After I get done with this post I'm going to go look for Atari MIDIs, because I'm cuckoo in my Cocoa Puffs.

Do you have any fond memories of retro junk? Compare and contrast your favorite old crap with today's modern incarnations. How do your gizmos and gadgets add up to their newer models? Explain the reasons for your answer.

The war on FF.net profiles part III

2009-10-19T16:26:10Z

The List Of Why Some Girls Will Never Get Laid

I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book.
Because you have social anxiety disorder, low self-esteem, no hobbies outside of your own little self-centered world, and you are incapable of making friends like normal kids.

I am the girl that people look through when I say something.
Because nobody cares about your irrelevant Oscar Wilde quotes or your anime collection.

I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal.
Actually, those are all normal activities. Every girl has a diary, and every girl reads books, and if you think you're so goddamn special for not being normal, then you're in denial.

I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face.
And I'm sure you secretly love it.

I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cell phone or regular phone.
Because you have no friends on MySpace and no friends who want to call you.

I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year.
And for good reason. Guys don't want to get with psycho chicks who have tons of emotional baggage, self-esteem issues, and a pussy that's seen more plastic than an ATM.

I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain.
Which is about the only thing that you share in common with normal girls, because girls like to do silly girly stuff like that.

BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is (Really? Seriously? 'Cause this whole list sounded like a lot of bitching and moaning to me.), doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment) [as opposed to being called "Lardass", "Special Ed" or "Brown Bagger"], who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more (Hello? Have you even used the fucking internet in the past five years? You're on FF.net, dimwit, and you tell me no one has time to read or write? How fucking dumb are you?), who loves and is obsessed with Twilight and Maximum Ride (Well, that explains everything right there. Here's a gun with one bullet. Use it wisely.), who can express herself better with words than actions (Because actions require effort and a minimum level of fitness.), who doesn't need a guy to complete her (Translation: guys wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole because I'm either fundamentally fucked or ugly as sin, and I will likely die a miserable virgin.), and knows the importance of the little things (Can this list be ended any more vaguely? Or has the person who wrote this offensive crap just run out of things to add?). Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list (If you're that stupid, that is, and if you are, I will LOL long and hard and troll the shit out of you.), if you are anything like me (And let's pray to God that you aren't.), so the girls who are different and unique (aka The Untouchables) can know in their weakest time (aka Prom Night) that they are unique but not alone: (list of names like Twilite_teeny,spazzymcmunchkin, Miss Lonely farts, Boys_sukk, TeamEdwardRulez, weeaboo_weetard, etc.)

If this is what the dating pool looks like, it's no wonder guys would rather get fucked in the ass.

Prioritizing my demons.

2009-10-08T22:33:46Z

Everything seems to be going amazingly shitty lately. I'm having trouble housebreaking my dog, I've got textbooks shipped late and delaying my participation in two classes, and I even had to drop a class because I had no fucking clue when the goddamn thing started. One of those "last 10 weeks" of the semester things. (Did I mention I'm enrolled at two colleges this semester? It's a buttfucking nightmare.) I'm livid and just fed up tired right now.

If anyone has a joke or a funny comment/video to share, share away. I could use a good laugh right now.

Swiney hiney.

2009-10-01T16:18:10Z

So, I've been checking the symptoms of the illness I had last weekend, and I'm beginning to suspect it was H1N1. If it was, it was like the best flu I've ever had. I've never recovered so fast, and even though it was agony and teeth-gnashing pain for a while, it was tolerable. I can deal with pain, but not long, drawn-out respiratory infections like basic influenza. This felt like the flu, yet it was a lot different. Awesome.

The war on FF.net profiles part II

2009-09-30T01:59:35Z

Seems like every other profile on FF.net has one of those "you know you live in 2008 when..." followed by a list of some of the brainless reflexes people now have thanks to technology doing all their thinking for them. Below is Bender v. The List.

You know you're a fucking idiot when...
1) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

You know you're brain has begun to atrophy when...
2) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV. And you don't know how to use "you're" in a sentence, jackass.

You know you're a basement-dwelling Microsoft cumstain when...
3) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years.

You know you're a socially-inept piece of shit when...
4) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have MSN or Myspace.

You know you're a worthless anime-inspired art major when...
5) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job. (Because your boss is too busy making sure you don't burn the fries again.)

You know you're an easily entertained peon with a brain like a BB when...
7) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

You know you have no life outside of writing fanfiction and masturbating to Naruto when...
8) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

You know you're about as observant as Helen Keller in a silent movie theater when...
9) You were too ~~busy~~ stupid to notice there was no number 6.

You know you love seeing yourself for the witless wonder you are when...
10) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 6.

You know you are fucked up beyond all non-euthanisable hope when...
11) You're laughing at your stupidity.

You know you're a trendless meme whore when...
12) You're thinking, "I have to put this on my profile!"

You know you're publicly admitting that you were stupid enough to think this list was witty when it really just pwned your last remaining braincell and beat it to death with mediocrity when you...
13) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.

Screw the Hop.

2009-09-27T15:53:42Z

Well you can burn 'em, you can beat 'em
You can cut 'em up and eat 'em, killin' ants (ants ants, ants)
You can drown 'em in a jar, you can hit 'em with your car, killin' ants (ants ants, ants)
It's the latest sensation that's sweeping the nation, killing ants (ants ants, ants)

Let's go kill some ants
Let's go kill some ants
Let's go kill some ants (oh baby)
Let's go kill some ants
Come on, let's go kill some ants!

Yeah, I'm feeling better.

The Return of the Cheese

2009-09-24T18:38:55Z

I've got tonsillitis again, which explains why I've been feeling so crappy all week. I've already been down this road once before in March 2008 when I got thrush, pinkeye and crotch rot all within a month or something sick like that. Only this time I've got all the good stuff that goes with tonsillitis, like the earache and the headache and the fever and the dizziness, and I accidentally dehydrated myself yesterday so that really made me feel awesome, plus my red blood cell count has been so low that my lips are turning white, even with my iron supplements. I give it a week before I'm back to normal. At least it's not Hiney flu.

SEH HELO TO MAI LEETLE FREND.

2009-09-21T02:02:57Z

Female Rat Terrier mix, 9-12 weeks old, adopted from humane society. Smart as all get-out and even smells better than me. My new BFF. Will have a blast training her. Thinking of the name "Pepper", but will likely end up something bizarre like Pipsy or Pipette.

Ronin Reverie

2009-09-11T03:10:38Z

So I think I'm going to draw new-age versions of the Ronin Warriors...yes. I got Sage's sketch done. He looks kinda emo, but at least his hair remains his best feature. Aside from his easiness. (OOOH.)

EDIT: That horrendous piece of shit was bothering me, so I took the time to redo that sucker tonight:

MUCH BETTER , FUCK YOU VRMCH, BNDR.

Don't know what inspired this RW nostalgia. I dug through my mp3 archive and found the I Jin Hen album that I ripped, and got all teary-eyed and faint-hearted and blubbery. Going through my old art was a riot, though.

I've GOT to get the Ronin section of my domain up. Maybe I'll make that my project this weekend.

Lost Boys? Poetry? WTF?

2009-09-10T03:25:26Z

I came across this while exploring my unfinished small fandom archives. A WIP, I guess. Work In Cessation more like it. Read it aloud and you'll find the rhythm better. I can't believe I wrote something this beautiful...or maybe it's just me. If you've seen The Lost Boys, you'll get it.

He missed the old days, before the vampires
Before the nights of games and lights
Before the screech of dirt bike tires
And sunglasses that hid his brother's eyes.

He recalled the drowsy warmth of Saturday
Cartoons and a quilt where cereal spilt
And comic books with creased pages lay
Where Michael shared his jokes with him.

Labor Day Weekend

2009-09-08T19:24:04Z

Well, I didn't go to DragonCon but I was definitely there to at least see it from the outside on Saturday night. The huge line of Trekkies, weeaboos, Narutards, stiletto-wearing butterfaces and other miscellaneous dregs of basement-dwelling youth stretched around two whole sides of the hotel. I don't think it's a very wise idea for young ladies to wear pirate skirts that reveal buttcheeks and thongs in downtown Atlanta at night. You might gon git raped.

Anyway, whatever love I had for anime must have died, because all I saw of the DragonCon crowd was a bunch of overweight Aspie losers who couldn't get a date off the calendar. I'd apologize for my frankness but I'd be lying. These people suck shit through a straw.

Maybe it was my environment that affected my mood so negatively; I hate Atlanta with a passion and wouldn't step foot into it unless I had a damned good reason. And I did: a free Collective Soul and Drivin n' Cryin concert. (I'd post better pictures but they reveal my mild-mannered alias who is a total douchebag.) As coincidence would have it, I'm a friend of the family to Collective Soul drummer Cheney Brannon, which means I got to meet the band backstage (and Drivin n' Cryin's Kevn Kinney, also) and ride back to the hotel with Collective Soul in their tourbus. Awesome guys, all of them. I'm really fortunate to have had the opportunity to meet them.

On another note, I'm thinking of resurrecting the Bent Lounge. I obtained version 3.03 of the Invision Power Board program, and I'm kind of itching to use it. Thoughts, anyone?

Facepalm Moments

2009-09-02T03:22:00Z

There's a time and a place for everything. But the patrons and owners of local pizza restaurants have never heard that expression.

If any of you didn't spend the early 90s as a drooling toddler, you'll probably remember Boys II Men's I'll Make Love to You, which hit #1 on the charts and was played nonstop for years on every soft pop radio station alongside The Real McCoys and Ace of Base. You can't have lived through 1994 and not heard that gag-inducing piece of shit. It's a song that a delusional woman would make her suffering boyfriend play over and over on every date if he ever expected to get any. And it's the last song you wanna hear on the ultra-loud jukebox at Pizza Hut when you're having dinner with your parents. I was so fucking embarrassed that I actually faked a coughing fit during the worst parts of the song. If I could go back in time to that moment, I'd stand up at the table and scream, "WHO THE FUCK PUT THIS SONG IN!? I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT PEOPLE HAVING SEX WHILE I'M EATING!" Bender 1, Pizza Hut 0.

And then there was the incident at Mazzio's (damn we ate a lot of pizza back then), where the manager thought it would be a swell idea to put in a copy of the newly-released Dances With Wolves and play it on the big screen TV in the corner of the restaurant. Well, our dinnertime just happened to coincide with the part where Kevin Costner takes down a buffalo and eats its hot, raw, bloody heart. Manager Moron, who later was imprisoned for putting toilet cams in the ladies bathroom, had to come out and fast forward through that part or else spend the rest of the night cleaning puke off of the floor. I think I did my very first headtable then. I was only 11 then, but already I had a clear grasp of the sheer fucking gut-wrenching stupidity that was the majority of mankind. Luckily we left the restaurant before the sex scene came up. I wonder how the manager dealt with that one.

Any tales of woe and facepalm from your past?

Battle Hymn of the Apocalypse

2009-08-26T03:13:50Z

Mine eyes have seen the horror of the coming of the End
The Apocalypse is dawning as the flames of Hell ascend
The Beast will rear his ugly head and then he'll eat your friends
Repent or you'll be doomed!

Glory, glory Armageddon!
Glory, glory Armageddon!
Glory, glory Armageddon!
The Devil marches on!

In the course of writing Wedlocked, I've inadvertently created a mini-universe engendered of the place known fondly as Hell, and filled it with as much parodying, satire and smartassery as possible. It's one of the few original concepts that I've taken to a new level, and perhaps the deepest spectrum of creativity I've ever put into an original idea. There's a whole realm of mythology and politics and traditions and "values" and I'm immensely proud of the whole thing. I hope that one day I'll be able to turn this concept into something concrete, and perhaps base my first original literary attempt off of it. It'll either be a hit or the Catholic community will sic the Pope on me.

13 years later...

2009-08-25T06:35:08Z

Oh God finally, FINALLY.

It has taken me THIRTEEN loooong agonizing years. THIRTEEN YEARS.

I knew there was a reason I wasn't going to bed tonight. I KNEW IT.

Thirteen years old. 1996. Middle school. Six o'clock weekday mornings. I'd record Mega Man. A song played during the credits . . . couldn't understand the lyrics, loved the song, COULD NOT FIND OUT THE NAME OR ARTIST. This song was like fucking crank. If it were a person I would have killed and eaten them. I was so sick from wanting to hear it I even learned to play it on my guitar. And burnt holes in the VHS watching the credits over and over again. It made me fucking MENTAL.

Even when the internet became popular I still couldn't find that fucking song. And I looked all over the shittin place. There was a great goddamn hole in my life, all because of 30 seconds of music played during the ending credits of a kid's cartoon show.

And now, thirteen years later, that song has a name.

Sinnerman by Extra Fancy.

I can now die in peace.

Writer's Block: Interspecies Communication

2009-08-24T23:14:03Z

Have you ever had your feelings hurt by an animal?

Submitted By nyaoran

View 530 Answers

Yeah. On my way home last night around 10:45 pm I came upon a squirrel or small rabbit lying on the white line, twitching and partially crushed yet still alive, having just been hit. I was past it before I could jerk the wheel and finish what the driver in front of me had started. I felt sick for the rest of the night and hoped that somebody behind me had the decency and self respect to do what I didn't.

Another reason why I should carry a gun in my car. You never know when you'll come upon a deer or a dog or a cat and have to ease their pain.

Writer's Block: Let’s Get Physical

2009-08-20T00:27:31Z

What are your fitness goals? What is helping or preventing you from accomplishing them?

Presented by Intel, Sponsors of Tomorrow.

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To keep on my current path of healthfulness, improve my strength and endurance, and live forever. (Heh.) I'm the healthiest I've ever been in my life right now--I weight train and do cardio and sprints and all that--but I have a tendency to work out too much and not give my muscles a break. I'm taking a break tonight after two weeks nonstop (haha, we'll just see). I'm an exercise addict. I'm also a vegan, but I'm a health food junkie. I fucking love soy. I could eat a whole pack of Tofurky in one sitting and drink soymilk until I puke. (Hasn't happened yet though, on account of my gut being a bottomless pit.) I just need to learn better self control. I could probably lose a couple pounds if I did.

I also plan to go into the medical field when I get out of college. It would make sense to be healthy, right? Kinda goes with the field. Of course, I always thought cops were supposed to be fit and trim and able to run down criminals on foot...so why is every cop I know suffering from a case of Doughnut-Acquired Dunlop Disease?

You just can't beat a Disney classic.

2009-08-16T02:22:25Z

Tonight I caught Pinocchio (1940) on TV. I probably haven't seen it in about 20 years, and it's even more awesome than I remembered it because now I can actually appreciate it as an art form. Monstro still scares the living shit out of me (where's a Russian whaler when you need one?), the Blue Fairy is sexy and powerful without being Bitchy-Sue the Manwhipper, and the story and supporting cast is just delightful. I forgot how good it felt to get lost in a really good cartoon.

For all of animation's advancements—computer graphics and superior recording and special effects—the quality of animated entertainment is deteriorating an an exponential rate. Just look at the drivel being churned out today. It can't hold a candle to the old Disneys. And while I claim no loyalty to what Disney is now (Jesus, don't get me started), I will give them props for making some of the best cartoons of all time.

Now I wanna watch the rest of them.

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

2009-08-05T00:05:43Z

With my final year of school about to touch down in T minus two weeks and counting, I've suddenly decided to get things done. Or maybe I'm just waking up from a long, lazy summer of un-productivity and sloth.

Today I put up the Original Poetry section of my site. I can't suppress my natural urge to edit even a copy/paste job. I'm a natural born editor. Damn. I don't know how I'm going to get through the Original Fiction. Thank God there's only a whole one fic to post.

Speaking of original stuff, I'm going to submit a short story to a popular magazine in hopes of winning the cash prize. No other reason. Young whores might as well learn the trade early on, right? Right. Of course, I still have to write the story...

In other news, since getting my motorcycle permit I've been looking around at rides other than the 150cc Sym that is my principal 2-wheel transport. The 250 Yamaha Star has caught my eye, but I doubt I'll be shelling out the cash for it in times like these, even though it's not too pricey. I've got more important things to focus on...like saving instead of spending. Nnnrrrrhhh.

I'm reading 1984, which was never a part of my high school curriculum. I've got a running list of classics to read and this happens to be one of them. It's not Stephen King, but at least it's something.

Writer's Block: Bite Me

2009-07-28T03:09:39Z

From Dr. Polidori's Lord Ruthven to Stephenie Meyer's Edward Cullen, the annals of vampire lore are filled with attractive, charming bloodsuckers. Which one would you most want to be bitten by?

View 512 Answers

Right now I'm so sick of hearing about goddamn vampires in pop culture that I will personally stake and exorcise the next fat vamp-wannabe fangirl I see in a 2X Twilight t-shirt.

As far as I'm concerned, there is only one vampire, and his name is Count Motherfucking Dracula. And he could snap Edward Cullen's rubbery homo spine with his right testicle, suck out both his eyeballs in one breath, and skullfuck the empty sockets so hard that Eddie's brains would look like a can of Spam put through a blender.

I vote for Dracula. Because I'd rather die a gruesome, violent death at the fangs of a bloodthirsty monster than suffer the disgrace of suicide after being molested by a glittering faggot whose fangs, like his dick, couldn't penetrate a slice of Jell-O.

Hack Mart Blown

2009-07-18T03:48:40Z

This latest fic I'm working on, as ridiculous as the title sounds (which might make you think it's just another one of my satire-drenched dark comedies), is turning out to be some of the best creative writing I've done. (Aside from my attempt at 19th century style in my 19th century era Van Helsing fanfic, Father.) In any case, I'm inviting you to read and critique it.

Aside from its deliberate parodying of the film starring Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci, there's no reason why I shouldn't change the title—currently Black Heart Moan—to something original. After all, the setting, characters and plot are different from the movie's, but the basic soul of the story still remains: redemption of the unwilling through sheer force of spirit. Plus I want people to know the similarities were intentional and parodic instead of thinking I'm dry out of ideas—which I'm not. I'm intrigued by stories whose plots involve a drastic change in their characters, evidence by my other Ghost Rider centric fic, Hearts of Fire, in which hate turns into love and demons turn into angels and Antichrists become little sisters, I just eat that shit up. It's what makes a story move, that change. There's nothing I hate more than a character who ends the same way as he or she started. What good was the story then? It might as well have never happened, because in reality, every little thing we do changes us. I don't want to get too philosophical, but you get the picture.

I wish I loved my original characters enough to be inspired by them. I'd be writing novels by now.

No one like the King

2009-07-14T23:15:55Z

I never realized what a big fan I'd become of Stephen King until today, when I picked up a fat paperback of short stories at the store. This recent fanship is something I've acquired over the past year or so; I think it may have been The Mist that set it off since I keep coming back to reread it. I admire King's storytelling narrative and the seemingly trivial descriptions that in the end lend so much to the moods he creates. I know King's not for everybody, but his stuff really speaks to me. I find myself attempting to emulate his storytelling style in my own fiction, and maybe one day find the right formula for success in the process.

Another thing that puts King high on my Win list is his scathing remark about Stephenie Meyer's writing skills (or lack of them). HAHA.

Anyway. The first story I read in this new book I got, and coincidentally the first story listed, was Dolan's Cadillac. I confess with some amount of shame that I would have gone for this story regardless of its placement because of the upcoming film adaptation starring Wes Bentley, who has more or less become my patron saint of writing. (Why? I don't know. But there is an eerie relationship between my recent Ghost Rider fanship, which resulted in my fascination with Bentley, which happened to coincide with my Stephen King fanship, which happened to result in a lot of dark fiction starring Blackheart. There's a pattern emerging but, as usual, I can't see it.)

In any case, I'm a little worried that Dolan's Cadillac will end up as big a flop as The Mist. (I've already read the reviews and they aren't kind.) I can't really picture Bentley playing the balding 40-something Robinson, nor can I picture the director(s) being able to portray the degree of suffering for the sake of revenge and the psychology of obsession. I guess this is why book-to-film adaptations rarely get it right. I'm also worried about Wes these days. He seems to be doing a lot of low-grade horror-porn type flicks or weird indie-type stuff that doesn't even make it to theaters. I get this sick feeling in my stomach whenever I look at him, and that makes me wonder.

Stardust

2009-07-09T15:55:30Z

Last night I had the good fortune of catching Neil Gaiman's Stardust on one of the movie channels. I was iffy about it at first, but by the end it had woven itself into a very charming story filled with fantastic characters. The plot seemed a bit hurried (naturally, seeing as how it's impossible to cram every literary detail into 120 minutes) , and I know that films rarely do their books justice, so I'm planning to add Stardust to my To Read List. There's always room on my bookshelf for one more fairy tale. They're my favorite.

Another road rescue

2009-06-24T02:42:13Z

This time it's a baby bird. I found it lying in the curb (actually, my dog found it). I turned around because I'd walked right past it, and then I nearly ended up dragging Heidi (aforementioned dog) right out of her collar. I didn't know what the hell it was at first (you know how freaky baby birds look) but then I walked closer and leaned down and that thing opened its mouth and stretched its neck up and I was like "AAAAUUGHH!" Then I realized it was a bird and I was good.

I don't know how long it was out there baking in the sun, but I got a small cardboard box and constructed a rudimentary nest. Couldn't find any worms in the ground so I fed it some dogfood. I don't think anything's broken and it seems to be doing fine. Then again, the odds of baby birds surviving without their parents is pretty slim. I'll do my best. I don't know if it's a blue jay or a mockingbird. Maybe neither. It's too early to tell.